Blessed By An Angel

(I don't think I have opened up my heart this wide in the last 18 years. Not even to close family members, except my husband. More often than not, I deal with life's difficulties by either being aloof or being silly; concealing my heart to keep it safe. But today I take a risk. I want the world to know how much my angel means to me and why.)

She Is 18 Today!

To open this post by saying that Tara was sent to us from heaven to restore light into our dark world, to mend our broken hearts, and to help us find hope at the bottom of Pandora's box might seem just a little over dramatic to some people. But those who know us and the events before Tara's birth, will agree that this is in fact a major understatement. Tara arrived in our life at the end of an annus horribilis. She was born just 10 months after my world crumbled when her almost 3 year old brother, our first child Christopher, passed away due to "undetermined natural causes". As if that devastation was not enough in itself, 6 months before her birth my grandfather, a man I deeply honored and respected , died from cancer; followed 4 months later by my beloved father who also battled and lost to cancer. Then a couple of months before Tara's birth our young niece Asleigh was diagnosed with a brain tumor which eventually took her life.

After going through all these, the mother who waited for Tara's birth was a mother who had cried so many tears her heart had dried up. She was a mother who was scared to love the baby in her womb for it seemed everyone she loved was taken. How could she be excited for the birth of this child in the midst of death? How could she possibly love this baby now that she knows love can be lost to life's tragedies and that heaven could rip her heart open anytime? I was that mother. A mother whose spirit was weighted down by a heavy and broken heart. My body eventually could not cope with my deep anguish and I came down with a severe case of mononucleosis during my pregnancy. My husband was there to take care of me, to comfort me and be my strength but many times when I looked at him I saw only grief for the loss of our son in the lines of his face. So there were nights I laid down thinking how unfair for this child to come into a world of broken hearts and broken spirits. How unfair to be born into a world of darkness and tears. Why God? Why send her to me now?

The answer I found was because heavenly father knew that for me and for Tara's Dad to be on the path of healing, emotionally and spiritually, we needed an angel in our life. Tara was not born into a world of darkness because she was born with her own light which illuminated the lives she touched. The moment we heard Tara's first cry the dark clouds shrouding our life were lifted and the million broken pieces of our hearts were put back together and mended. An angel daughter was sent to us, and the moment she was placed next to my heart I knew that she filled my emptiness and I would love her without fear. I remember crying as they whisked her away so they could finish with my surgery. I remember the nurse patting my cheek and gently telling me that it was okay because they will be done soon and it will be over. But I wasn't crying because of physical pain. I was crying because I felt happy, a feeling I had not felt for a while and thought would never feel again. Tara, my angel brought that feeling back, and I was crying because I was overwhelmed.

Right now as I write this I am crying again. With mixed but mostly happy emotions. Our angel is now 18. It seems to me only yesterday when family members came to visit us in the hospital after her birth that the same sad faces that used to surround me were now faces of joy. It seems only yesterday that I looked over at Tara's Dad holding our new born in his arms, and saw peace, relief and pure joy in his face and a deep love for his daughter in his eyes. And now here she is, our angel of light and restoration, now 18 years old and slipping away into adulthood. Please forgive me for the sappiness of this post, but my heart is full today.

We have not been perfect parents to Tara, that's for sure. But this we know, we have always been grateful for her, we have always recognized she is heavenly father's gift to us, and we treasure her forever. Perhaps because of what she means to us that we might have "spoiled" our only daughter a bit. Perhaps we have been indulgent. But then also perhaps through the years, now and again, we might have forgotten she is an angel, and treated her less than she should be treated. But inspite our shortcomings just look at what a wonderful young woman she has become. A daughter blessed with a tender heart, as well as beauty, intelligence and a passion for life. An angel with an angel's voice and love for music who fills our home with song. My hope for her on this special day is that despite the imperfections of her parents, she will always remember who she is and live so that someday she can be worthy to stand before the loving Father who sent her to us.

Happy 18th birthday to our precious Angel Girl!