Here is a picture of my son and his homies during his birthday party. He only wanted to invite these 7 boys to celebrate the day with him, and all 7 came. It's a very tight-knit crowd. Some of these boys he met when he was in football, and some are members of his amateur rock band since middle school.
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| From AJ's Birthday |
I am very relieved and very proud of my son for choosing to surround himself with good friends. I'm not sure if Utah LDS Moms would neccesarily agree, but I think that for non-Utah parents, raising kids outside the protective church bubble adds another layer to the challenge of raising teen-agers. For one, it doesn't matter what crowd your kids belong to in high school in Utah, they will still most likely end up in a crowd that's predominantly LDS. Not so with kids raised outside of Utah. They are more likely to have friends who are of a different belief system and have different values. And how can I fault them for choosing non-LDS friends when I also try to teach them to be open-minded and have appreciation for diversity?
So very fortunately for us (knock on wood!), our son found good friends who may not share his religion but share his values and standards. And it actually has not been a difficult thing to do. After all, good hearts and high standards are not the monopoly of Mormons. There are actually oodles of non-LDS families out there with good Christian values and raising their kids to be good people, and we are blessed that our son found friends from such families. These boys pictured above with my son are good, delightful boys. Some of them are athletes, some are music-minded, but all are good students, and good boys from good families.
We saw our daughter make it through the land mine called high school and come out well-rounded and well-adjusted. I know the jury is still out as she still has her life ahead of her, but so far so good and we hope the same for her brother. We'd like to think that we did it mostly by laying a good foundation for them in our home. But sometimes when I see troubled kids, especially troubled LDS kids then I think maybe we are just lucky.
How about you? What challenges did you face or are facing with your kids' choice of friends? Do you think kids should be allowed to become close friends with those who are not of the same religion or value system?
(Here are more pics of AJ and his home boys from the birthday party. Enjoy! )
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26 comments:
I personally loved growing up in the mission field. So many great opportunities for missionary work, and building a testimony/value system before life gets serious.
You're totally right that the stakes can be high when it comes to finding those friends, and I pray all the time that my kids will have good friends who support their standards when they get older.
Looks like you've done a terrific job! I doubt there are many kids anywhere who can claim seven good, upstanding people as best friends. Your son is a lucky kid:)
I love this post!! There isn't another member of the church within a two hour's drive and there are no LDS children closer than 5 hours away. I am praying that my kids will make good strong friendships with kids who are really good, or who desire to be good.
I loved growing up in California. I was blessed to have a few LDS friends in my class that I spent my time with. I mourn that my daughter won't have that. Or the strong YW group at church to support her. I loved that being LDS in my school made you different, but respected.
I hated living in Utah until I was 11 because I was seen as Molly, and was looked down on a little. Yes, your kids friends may all be LDS, but it's significantly worse when their LDS friends decided to drink or be immoral or even just dishonest, than if they were kids of a different faith. I think it is more likely to weaken a teenager's testimony. But I also know that many kids come out of adolescence in Utah very strong.
I guess there are challenges everywhere. I'm really happy that your kids have found good friends. I know we all kind of talk about how high school isn't life and you grow up and forget about it, but at the same time, that's when we were making choices that would be a pattern for our future lives.
Sorry for the monster long comment!! Great subject. Thanks so much for writing about. It's comforting to me.
Hey :)
I love the HOMEBOYZ pictures!!
and
i grew up & still live in an area where there are like NO MORMONS!
i hope i turned out alright???
{ha ha!}
I love this post ♥
you are a wonderful momma!!
Our oldest son was very socially involved (read: had to have friends around him at all times). Every friend he had was from a broken home, or struggled in school, etc., and they were almost all LDS kids But I considered them all good kids. He had a positive influence here and there, but sometimes they were just friends in spite of their differences and as long as we were sure he was keeping to his standards we rode it out. And we ARE in Utah! To take it even one step further, my husband encourages the boys to date good girls who live high standards whether they are LDS or not. I am a convert myself and was introduced to the church (and actually baptized) by a high school boyfriend. You are so right about us not having any kind of standards monopoly. Thanks for the terrific post!
First, you are such an amazing mom. I can just see it! ;)
I appreciate this post a whole lot, lady. It's true that there are Christian families out there that are not LDS (mine being one).
I think it's central to the gospel to love people and be accepting of them. You know, that whole "in the world but not OF it" thing. No, we don't want our kids hanging with "bad" kids, but those of different religions or ideas are good for teens, I think. (If the friend is an encouragement and a positive and healthy person), they will benefit our kids. And friends of different denominations/faiths will maybe even teach them how to learn about another way of thinking and STILL hold fast to their own beliefs.
I hope that made sense. It's early :)
I agree with you. My sons have had friends not of our faith, tight groups. They respect what they were doing... Girls on the other hand, or should I say girlfriends, that at times was a MAJOR problem...'
You are doing a great job!!!
Great picture Marivic! He sounds like a great kid, and you are blessed that he has a good peer support system around him.
I live in Utah County. Let me just say that my son's "LDS" friends are mostly a nightmare of rebelliousness. I've discovered that living in this bubble tends to make some kids weak, naughty, angry and eager to experiment and buck the system.
His friend who are not LDS are actually a better influence on him. Go figure.
I absolutely believe that kids should be allowed to be friends with other kids not of their own religion.
I had a girl I worked with when I was in highschool. She was older than me...a Mom...with a 9-yr-old daugther, who had just moved to UT from CA, and was Catholic. She told me of an experience that her daughter had at school, where some girls were picking on her, and telling he she was a bad person, and that she could never play with them because she wasn't Mormon.
It broke my heart.
I said to my friend, I just want you to know that is NOT what our church teaches. I thought to myself, what kind of missionary work are we doing by alienating ourselves from good people who don't necessarily believe what we do?
I applaud you for being such a great Mom, and congrats on your kids picking good friends.
I hope I'm not damaging my children too much, and that they'll be able to make good decision when they get to that age..
Sorry for the long comment.
My best friend growing up was non LDS. My parents taught us to have good friends with good values. I had some that didn't have good values and soon didn't want to hang around them.
Yes, sometimes they can be good. It's scary either way!
So happy your son has good friends to hang out with. Great job mom!
I actually think it is a GOOD thing to not have all Mormon friends growing up. When I was younger, I had friends who were all different religions, but by the time I moved to Bountiful I quickly found that EVERYONE in my neighborhood was Mormon. It just so HAPPENED to be that I surrounded myself with Mormon friends because everyone WAS LDS! There were 8 of us girl friends (like AJ and his buds ;) in HS who were very good influences on one another, and I feel blessed to have had such great friends. My sister, who went to Skyline High, was best friends with a girl who was Buddhist and one who was Greek Orthodox. Those girls had higher standards than some of her other friends who were LDS, so I think that THAT is the most important thing--to have friends with good values and high standards.
I'm glad to hear that AJ has good friends!
You are a magnificent mama!! The pictures look so much fun!
My oldest daughter got involved with a boy that moved here (we lovingly still refer to him as the spawn of satan)and he pulled her away from us and her friends and off the straight and narrow. Of course she chose to go--I do not blame him in total. We have and still have much heartache in her regard. All of her girlfriends in highschool were LDS.
My second daughter's best friend in high school was non-LDS and she has always been and is a YEAH the gospel is true kinda person.
So ALL that being said, I really think that you need to form a partnership with Heavenly Father from the start and raise each child how you and HE feel is best. I also think it is a little bit of nature versus nuture. My 2 girls are only 18 months apart but they couldn't be more different. We raised them both the same way. The whole Lamen and Lemuel and Nephi--I think that is part of the reason that is in the Book of Mormon!
I wish I would have read the 5 Love Languages before I raised children--I think that each child has a different one and even though its hard and uncomfortable sometimes--try and speak it their way not force them to speak yours.
Value systems get my vote as being more important than religious affiliation.
Hindsight is always 20/20--my biggest challenge right now is learning how to let my daughter know I love her with out condoning her lifestyle. Blessings to all parents everywhere--its hard!
You have picked a good topic--getting us all to write these marathon comments!
We have very few LDS people around here. Actually in my son's high school, there are less than five, and all but my son are inactive. I, too, worry, and I, too, (in the end) am pleasantly suprised with my children's (older and younger) choices in friends (usually:). I read that (as they get older) all you can do is pray, set a good example, and love them anyway. Hopefully our youth are 'giving to others what they lack' and their friends are doing the same, on a positive level:) I LOVE when I see Lord working through my kiddos, whether they see it or not! Yea for your son! His light is shining!!
he is such a good-lookin' kid! what a blessing to have such a sweet boy. it can be hard finding good friends here in our area. when i was a teen there were about 10 LDS kids at my high school (out of 1200)...it was hard. my kids are facing the same exact thing now. i was talking to julian about this recently because he has a certain friend who has different standards/rules/etc. (his parents think it's OKay for an 11 year old to watch R-rated movies, for example) julian and this boy were looking at something on the computer (i was spying) and this friend told julian to click on this ad that popped up of a scantily clad woman... now i have 2 problems with that. for one thing, julian is only allowed to click on links on the desk top that i have approved. no web surfing... 2, why would that friend encourage him to do that? disturbing. julian said "NO", so i was very happy. and then i told them to get off the computer. well,later i told julian "i know it can be hard to make the right choices" and he interrupted me and said "no,but sometimes it's hard to make the right friends." i was impressed by that insight!
So, I will be one of the MINORITY as far as other comments here. Considering that I live in a place where we can't walk outside without seeing a member of the LDS church. I can't even swear at my kids because the Bishop, AND his first counseler live within spitting distance of me!!! ;-)
Oh, and I've heard reports that are too believable to be un-true, that our high school, you know, the one Taylor attends, has the highest percentage of students who attend seminary in the world. Now, I don't know if it's really the highest, but, I'm pretty sure it ranks up to the top!
My kids pretty much pal around with all LDS friends. However, they aren't about to judge someone or not be friends with someone who is not LDS! In fact, some of their favorite cousins are Catholic! And they totally rock!
That being said, not all LDS kids are the epitomy of values and goodness with Christlike qualities. In fact, one of my kids once had a friend who, if you happened to view a particular LDS movie (now showing at the JSM building in SLC), you'd think one of the people playing the beloved prophet at a certain age must be the most good an righteous people ever. HA! Not so!! Luckily we all saw past the facade.
No matter what your religion, if you want a good friend, be a good friend. That's what AJ is doing. He's being a good friend and he has presented himself in a way that attracts good people!
How's that for a long epic response?
This echos the love and logic class I just got home from. Teach them to make good decisions when they're young because after that, they're on their own (by choice).
If we only run around with the lights, then how can those that haven't had the truth come to see it. I am so proud of you and your son.
They look very happy too. That says alot.
My boys did not fair the teenage years well. Oh my goodness. One still doesn't fair the peers well and he is 20 now. It has been the hardest challenge I have ever had to face. I stayed at home too and let the kids come here and feed them and help them because I realized they didn't have the solid things that we had. My older boy who is on a mission now, his friends that I always tried to talk to and teach them and stood firm on our beliefs and standards, they actually call us now. They are grateful that we never caved in on letting them like watch R movies at our home, or not let them stay out all night when I hunted them down. I was the only parent alone in making them account for their actions. I am wore out thinking about it again.
So good job to your homeboys and son. I hope it continues to be this way all the way through. It is so much easier to be good.
Great post, Marivic, and good questions.
Obviously living in Utah, I don't have as big of a worry. However, my kids do have friends who are not LDS and it seems to be fine so far. For us, the religion is not so much an issue as the lifestyle.
I wasn't a member when I met my husband, so I can't tell my kids a blanket statement to be-friend or date only members :-). But it could have very well been an issue, had I not joined the church!
Sounds like you are doing great raising your boy in a good environment. I think if a kid is raised in the gospel, and stay strong, they can be an influence of good to others.
Thanks for the blog title idea! I'll let you know if I use it. I AM constantly taking pics of my family (sometimes to thier disdain!).
As for your blog my children are just starting out in school but I would hope that they wouldn't only seek out LDS friends. I try to teach them to love everyone. You never know what kind of friendship you'll miss out on by tunnel-visioning friends by faith. My best friend my senior year in High School was not LDS although she did come to church with me and follow my example. I wouldn't have made it through that year without her.
By the way I love the homies pic. So cute! Looks like he's really blessed with great friends.
I totally agree with you. Friends are so important in a teens life. I agree with all these comments though. It depends on the kid, not the religion. I grew up without religion and was a better influence then some of my religious friends. In fact, some of my friends from really strict families were so wild and would do things I wouldn't think of doing. It sounds like your children have a good sense of right and wrong and a really good mom looking out for them. :-)
Absolutely Marivic, just because a kid is raised in an LDS home does not guarantee anything. As a matter of fact it might be harder here in Utah as we become so complacent thinking that the work is done for us because of where we live. Not so, I was always concerned about who my kids chose as friends. Some concerned me more then others so I tried to stay close enough so that possibly what I had to say might make a difference. Just for the record I worked in the youth organization and was told that the trendy thing to do was be LDS but inactive (yes, right here in happy valley). What is up with that. The scary thing is that the parents appear to be more irresponsible then the kids. You are right to realize the importance of friends but never underestimate your own importance in their lives. It sure makes me grateful that my kids are grown, but having said that, you never stop worrying about them, ever!
Roxanne
PS. You have done an awesome job with your kids and they are so lucky to have you!
PPSS Sorry I didn't mean to write a novel or lecture.
True friends are friends, regardless of their religion. I grew up in happy valley and struggled at times with being the one that actually did what the gospel told us too. I've lived elsewhere and grown close to people of differing backgrounds.
I can just do the best I can with my kids and hope. (I haven't gone through it yet, so I don't have any sage words of wisdom.)
Friends are sooooo important. I had great ones. None of them had the same values as me but they stood up for mine through thick and thin!
Well, I see my nephew Sam there and he is LDS, anyway . . .but, here in California, you just can't have a well rounded social life if you don't have non LDS friends, as well. Like you said, there are good kids everywhere, thank goodness!
Heidi--- Yes, Sam is AJ's friend. His only LDS friend. We love him dearly. He's been a good influence on AJ. The fact though is he's the only LDS boy my son likes to pal around. I heard Sam sits at the Mormon table during school lunch :-) but AJ continues to consider him a very good friend.
Great post. And they look like a pretty nice group of boys. I can honestly say that finding good friends for your kids is a challenge wherever you live. And in fact in some ways I think it's WORSE in Utah. Kids in our ward were unkind to our oldest, and somehow they also make it UNPOPULAR to be good, and COOL to REBEL. He still struggles to fit in. I pray almost every day that he'll be surrounded by stripling warriors disguised as good friends.
I grew up in southeast Texas and had only a few LDS students in my school, much less in my grade level. I picked non-LDS friends for the most part, although the kids from Church were my friends. We just didn't hang out much. My friends didn't have the same values as me, but they never tried to steer me in the wrong direction. In fact, they avoided R-rated movies if I was present, they toned down the swearing if I was around, they avoided anything they knew I wouldn't agree with. It was only after we all graduated from high school that they all really let loose. This was fine as I had moved out of state.
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