When Mommy Thinks Too Loudly

I desperately need to work on my communications skills. Apparently I've been saying things without talking. That's what my kids have led me to believe anyway. Take the following conversation between me and my daughter a couple of weeks after she started college (Note: she says this is not how the conversation went. I was BAD-der than I let on :-)I say this is how I remember it. And it's my post so my version wins):

ME: How's college life going?
DAUGHTER: Great. I need to figure out a major.
ME: Oh, I thought you wanted to be an English teacher.
DAUGHTER: I've changed my mind. What do you think of me going to Berkeley instead of UCLA?
ME: (kidding around) Great. It's a great school. 'Slong as you don't start hugging trees and stop shaving your pits while you're there.
DAUGHTER: Mohhhmmm!
ME: And what are you going to major in at Berkeley?
DAUGHTER: Peace and Conflict Studies.
ME: Oh? Hmm.
DAUGHTER: What? You don't think that's a good major?
ME: (fumbling) Well, I don't know what that is. Might be kind of hard to explain when people ask what my daughter is studying.
DAUGHTER: It's a degree in Humanities, Mom, but you major in Peace and Conflict studies. Didn't you say you want me to do something in life that uses my intelligence?
ME: (guilty) I guess I'm okay with whatever you choose as long as it's something that makes you happy.
DAUGHTER: (exasperated) Mom, stop holding out for me to be a lawyer, okay? I'm not going to be a lawyer so stop making me want to be one!!!
ME: (confused)Huh?

Did anyone hear me say I want her to be a lawyer?! I didn't know that "As long as it's something that makes you happy" translates into, "Get your head straight on, and find a college major that will land you a real job like being a lawyer. " Anyway, a week later, my daughter declared Anthropology as her major. She'll be digging for fossils in Africa while she lives in a tent. Could be a real job. I think. Besides since I'm only paying for her college and not going to college myself that's all I'm entitled to say on that topic

Then there's my conversation with my son. Background: talking is not his strongest suit. I mean, I'm doing well if I get more than one syllable from him. Seriously! Anyway, he's a sophomore in high school, and his sister's friend who's a senior asked him to be her date to Homecoming. He said he's going to think about it. This is me checking on his plans because Moms do that kind of thing, right?

ME: So are you going to Homecoming with R?
SON: I don't know.
ME: It will be rude not to let her know soon.
SON: I guess.
ME: Well, would you rather go with another girl?
SON: No.
ME: Is there a girl you like you have not told me about?
SON: No.
ME: You don't like any girl?
SON: Mom, I'm not gay, okay? Sheesh!
ME: Ah--b- wha--huh?

So apparently, I said "You're 16 and you're not interested in any girl. Are you by chance gay?" without saying it at all! How does that work?

I guess I suck at communicating with my kids. How does that happen to someone with a Bachelors degree in Communication? Could it be because despite my college degree I don't really remember attending a class called "Teen-ager-ish as a Second Language"? Sigh. I swear I was doing great at this parenting gig until the kids hit middle school, when all of a sudden they turned into aliens and things got confusing to me. Dang! I've never done anything harder than mothering teen-agers.

BUT for what it's worth, I have a feeling that although I don't talk the talk they're still listening somehow. I say that because they live like they do. They sometimes argue and disagree with my insistence that they behave a certain way. But when it comes down to it they are obedient, and do as they're told. They stay out of trouble. They do great in school. Authority figures love them. They act like they love me and their Dad. So they have to be listening to me, right? They may oftentimes act disinterested in my "wisdom" but they can't follow rules they've never heard before. So we might not have the prettiest, warm and fuzzy way of talking to one another, but they listen. In fact, maybe they are listening to me so well that they're even hearing the things I don't say.

It could be because my thoughts are louder than my words. They probably watch my facial expressions for clues on what's in my head because they actually care about what I think and whether I approve of what they do or not. They do that because even when they think they don't need my approval, deep down maybe they do. So they watch, they listen, they interpret and they call me on my thoughts. Thoughts that say, "I'm judging you. I don't get you. I'm doubting you. I am not as supportive of you as I say I am."

If I really want to be better at parenting I need to watch not only what I say, but what I think. I need to be a good, supportive, non-judgmental person inside out. I need to be a good Mom not only because that's a worthy desire, but because I am trying to be a truly good person inside. Maybe next time when I think a thought nothing will be lost in translation when I speak.

How about you? What is your secret to effective communication with your kids? Is your message clear or do you lose the message somewhere during the conversation?